we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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