my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
