apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
