I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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