this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
