Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
