apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
