....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
