This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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