Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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