my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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