Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
