If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
