I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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