Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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