I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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