Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
