Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
