omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
