Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
