WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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