At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
