Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
