That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
