That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
