he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
