was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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