90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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