tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
