"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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