I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
