You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize