We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
