You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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