here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
ttyl tear gas
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
