Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
