My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Girls should come with a carfax report
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
