Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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