Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
