That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
