george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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