i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize