I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
