pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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