The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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