I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
