It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
