one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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