Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
