I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
