im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize