She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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