WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
