It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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