i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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