she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
