So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
