Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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