The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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