I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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