so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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